A new me... again.

So I am on this crazy journey through life...

I find myself doing a lot of reflecting lately. Trying to remove the obstacles that distract me from where I need to be. I think that the more I learn about myself and the way that I interact with the people around me, the more I understand the pettiness of things that I once found substantial, and the importance of the things that I once considered paltry.

Truth, above all seems to be the theme of my current quests.

I love a great story as much if not more than the next person. I have even been titled "The One Upper" by close friends for my love of telling stories that build on the last story told. My intent not being to trump the preceding story, only to strengthen the glue that binds the relationships through a shared life.

The glitch in telling a story, especially relaying an instance, is that the story teller usually wants to ensure a good impression of himself on his audience. Something that manifests him the hero, or victor. This makes sense. Who doesn't want to look like superman to those around him? The problem comes into play when we embellish the story. We add details that didn't exist in the true context of the story. It gives a false image. It makes the listener believe something that didn't happen.

I don't like that.

I am purposing in my life to eliminate false projections. In word and deed.

I want to be told truth and I want to convey truth.

Life is colorful and crazy. Things that are unimaginable, happen. Good and bad. I am sometimes the hero and frequently the villain.

Today starts a new chapter...

To say my life has been rocky lately would be a complete under exaggeration...

Not me!

I have had the opportunity to be reminded over and over recently that I am completely powerless to fix myself, and believe it or not the realization of that is actually really comforting.  God gave us the law so that we would realize that perfection is impossible.  Why do I need to know that perfection is not possible?  Because I need another way!  What is that way?  Him!  Him alone!  No other way!  And He loves ME!  So that is pretty cool...  Not me...  HIM.

Broken

God,

I'm lying here waiting on you.

I'm hurt.

I feel pain all the time.

Dull pain.
Sharp pain.
Burning pain.
Deep pain.

I'm hoping to be noticed...
Will you notice me here in need of you?

Do you really love me where I am? I know that I am the one that has walked away from you, but is that forgivable? Will you really come here to me?

I don't know how to accept even the thought of that?

But I dont know where to go from here without you...

You are so present in my life, God. You are all around me, but sometimes I feel like I am looking at you through the wrong end of the binoculars...

You are close, but so far away.

I am not home, where I am. I am not home in my house. I am not home with my family. I enjoy my friendships, but that is not home either...

Can we spend some time alone?

I just want to be known by someone. I need someone to know me, ALL of me without needing to explain it all.


I hate talking about me.

Can I see your eyes? My family has been hurt by me and turn their eyes from mine. I just want to see their eyes.
Will YOU look at me? Look at my face?

You know, I am torn, stretched between two sides...
Half of me is grateful for the life that I have been given...
I have been so blessed. Given so much!

And yet still I hurt and cling to bitterness.
God help me to loose the bitterness. I hate bitterness.


I lost my parents.

I lost my father because he walked away. He left us... He left me... Didn't he know that i needed him?

Where was he?

What was so important that he had to leave?


I lost my mom because she had to be my dad! Didn't she know that I needed a Mom especially when my dad was missing?

She always feels like she needs to teach me a lesson... Sometimes I just need help... Sometimes I just need a hug... sometimes I just need a mom.

What was so important that she had to leave?

I hate these feelings.

I hate this pain.

I hate this anger.

I hate not knowing what to do.

I hate not knowing what is going to happen...


I just want to be with you.

Not have to worry about all of this.

I know that you can make it better.

I dont want to put on this mask and armor any more.

It's too heavy...

Back? Maybe... Peek-a-boo anyway.

I know I have been gone for a while. I need this blog to keep people up oin my current activities so I am going to try to get it back up and running. So this is my attempt at doing so. So here it is!

Communication!

"There are four types of conversations. Discussion is the most familiar and pragmatic..." Soooo..... <---------------- Do you converse with God.
Conversation goes two ways...
Are your prayers one way? ---------------> Conversation with God is possible, but it requires two very important elements. Speaking for one. How often do you take the time to just talk to God. I talk to my friends and family every single day. My Cell phone records will attest to that! But do I talk to others more than I do the person that I bear the mark of. I take the name of his son as my own! I am a Christian, but do I talk to the one that I call my best friend? Every relationship requires communication. Without it we are lost to everything that exists in that place... Helen Keller was closed to almost every type of communication. Helen could only communicate to those around her. She threw tantrums and got angry and frustrated. She whined when hungry and screamed when angry. She had a teacher that worked with her daily to help her learn to communicate. Helen was only confused by the everything. She was blind to the world around her. She was deaf to the sounds that where happening right next to her. Her teacher Anne Sullivan brought her to the pump one day and put her hand in the water and spelled the word water in her other hand... ---- !!!!BAM!!!! ---- It all made sense. Later Helen said this "I stood still, my whole attention fixed upon the motions of her fingers. Suddenly I felt a misty consciousness as of something forgotten, a thrill of returning thought, and somehow the mystery of language was revealed to me." That is what needs to happen to us. We currently have this ability to communicate our frustrations. We whine and scream, but why do we not listen to that Teacher that is holding our hands and talking back to us! Why don't we listen. There are several ways that God talks to us. He talks to us as a body. We are the Body of Christ and He gives us His Word, and He gave us His Spirit. You have the tool. Once Helen realized that the fingerspelling on her fingers was someone talking to her she learned 30 words in the timespan of about a few hours. Be eager to listen to HIM. Helen was eager to learn new words. Be eager about reading His Word. We can not hear His audible voice, but we can hear that still small voice in our hearts. Listen to it. It will always line up with His written word. Love that communication! It goes two ways. If you can't hear it, beg for it, and then listen. Be quiet and listen. He is right there inside you and is excitedly waiting on you to listen!

Hurricane Ernesto

Yesterday all day in the office I heard the firmiliar words. The words I hear every year about this time. Are we in the cone of uncertainty? Is this hurricane going to hit our area. Do we close down the office tomorrow? Do we put shutters up? What is going to happen?

There is comfort in knowing who is in control of this beast. We did cancel work, but then no one really expected the storm to be too fierce here, so we got the call this morning to come in.

Hurricanes always facinate me. It is as if they have a mind of there own, or God is randomly tracing his finger over his globe causeing winds to increase and decrease, and atmoshperic pressures to rise and drop. You never know what direction they will turn. You don't know if they will speed up or slow down. You really have no clue what they are doing. So you sit and wait until the last minute trying to decide if you should evacuate or not.

I guess all of this is just making me glad to know that I am safe in Him. Knowing that, kinda makes a hurricane fun, in an adventures exciting sort of way.